I’m so happy to have Bonnie back again today. She’s totally cute and she cracks me up…
Hello dolls!
My name is Bonnie, but that’s boring so I make people call me Bon Bon! Now I sound like a hot latin dance! Oh, spicy! I blog over at The Life of Bon where I pretty make fun of 16 year old hood rats all day seeing that teaching English to high schoolers is my full time job. I love everything about my job except for one little thing.
I miss my friends.
(I’m wearing the bright red lipstick. Hey, go big or go home.)
So now tell me. What is the deal with making friends when you’re married? Am I the only one who thinks it totally blows? All I want to do is pick up a couple of chicks to roll around two with and suddenly that seems impossible!
I have always been an outgoing person- surrounding myself with hordes and hordes of people. The more, the merrier in my book. In college I lived with my best friends. Our lives were constant cycles of prank wars, swapping boyfriends, borrowing clothes, and staying up late watching The Office while inhaling tubes of cookie dough.
My college besties have mostly scattered by this point. Two live in Arizona, one lives in New Mexico, one lives in California, and one lives in Colorado. A few live close to me in Utah, but one with plans to move to Connecticut in the spring. Sometimes I sit back and look at pictures of college and wonder, “How is it possible that that is already over?”
My bonds with my college friends are stronger than steel. But they ain’t around anymore. So time to find someone new who will watch Bachelor and paint her toenails with me. But living just with Hubs and not in a college apartment complex, I don’t even know how to go about meeting new girls. Girls I do meet, at church or school, I enjoy talking to, but seem a far cry from the besties I partied away my early twenties with. I have trouble connecting like I used to. Is it because now we have husbands who are our #1 priority, or is it because instead of ditching class to stalk boys on facebook we now have jobs we have to go to? What makes it more difficult to make friends after college?
Don’t get me wrong. I love hanging with Hubs. Of all my friends, he’s my favorite one I’ve ever had. But he’s busy a lot. And even when he’s not busy, we still have different interests. As much as I wish it were so, Hubs doesn’t want to go shopping and get a pedicure with me. Nor does her care that Kate Middleton is preggers (EEK!). Also, I need more social interaction than Hubs does. I am an extrovert and get my energy by being around people. Hubs is an introvert and gets his energy by relaxing and being by himself. Meaning that if I stay in and watch movies all day on Saturday with Hubs I am going to explode my Bon energy all over everybody before the night is through. Friends for a girl like me are an absolute necessity.
The New York Times ran this article in July about making friends as an adult. It is fascinating to me. Are there more friends out there for me in this great big world, or is my friend count maxed out?
How do you make friends after college? And does having a significant other make it even more difficult? How about babies? Do they complicate friendships even further?!? You better believe that when I have babies I’m going to use those bad boys as tools to make more friends. “Hey! You have a baby?!? I have a baby!!! Let’s go to the mall together!”
Anybody who has made tons of friends after college want to share your wisdom with us? Where do you make friends- especially if you are not working? And do you keep in touch with your friends from college and high school? My brother once told me that friendship is merely a matter of convenience- that friendships disintegrate as soon as it is not convenient anymore.
Please. Say it ain’t so.
And oh yah. As a reward for reading this post I’m giving away $25 buck a roos to J. Crew! Aren’t I a generous one?!? Enter below my friends and don’t forget to stop by my bloggy blog and say hi. Like I said, I want more friends!
Thanks Bonnie!
The Jeans Girl giveaway winner announced here.
This depresses me lol. I JUST turned 23 and I’ve got ONE “kind of friend” here. If you figure out how to make friends, let me know!
This really cracked me up because it is so true. I’m 35, married and have three boys. It is REALLY hard to make friends. If someone doesn’t have kids it’s hard to relate, it someone does have kids it’s hard to make your schedules work. I can honestly say I have one girlfriend other than my mom & sister. Sad, but true.
It must have been easier in high school and college because we had to see those people every.single.day. Whether we wanted to or not! Then suddenly, poof! you’re in the real world where you only see a few people every single day. It’s harder to connect with others. Definitely use your future kids as friend-leverage with other moms someday, though. When you finally find someone you can connect with it’s SO worth it to have someone there who understands you.
I’m 27 and married with a toddler and another on the way. I didn’t go to college, but all the close friends I did have seem to have disappeared out onto the horizon… Aside from my husband whom I consider to be my best friend, I do have one girl that I would consider “my person” but she moved away last summer. It’s been rough, there isn’t really anyone else around here that I’m particularly close to, and I’m running out of ideas of how to reach out. Here’s hoping I find someone, cause it can get really lonely sometimes! Thanks for writing this post. It’s good to know I’m not the only one out there struggling with this!
Why oh whyyyyy do you live in Utah?! Come to North Carolina and be my friend. I freak out daily over the fact that Kate Middleton is pregnant (privately, because my husband just rolls his eyes). I’m also totally using my 3 month old as a friend-making-magnet. Hey, we’ve got babies! Let’s be friends!!! I’m in the same boat, girl.
I can totally relate!! We moved to a new state (TX) almost a year ago and I’ve yet to make a friend :(( I’m 29, married and have two young boys. I don’t have a lot of time to just hang out anyways but it would be nice to have good friend here to have some pinterest craft time with…to go antique store shopping with and just shop with every now and then. I can’t wait to hear what other post about making friends once you’ve “grown up” and gotten married!
So true about making friends as an adult. My husband and I have this conversation all the time and we even live in the same town we grew up in. I sometimes feel like I am missing out on a secret when I see others “grownups” hanging out!
I wish I had advice! I’m serving a friend death sentence LOL; I moved away from all my friends and family, got married, had kids and work from home. I’ve lived here over 6yrs and I don’t even need the fingers on one hand to count the local friends I’ve made. But from what I gather from the few friends I do have, the workplace seems a much more difficult place to make true friends than school. And having kids… I’ve met some nice women since my oldest started kindergarten, but having 5/6yos is often all we really have in common.
I can totally relate!!!. Well my story is different. I am peruvian and came to USA 4 years ago when I married my husband… so my first difficulty has always been the language barrier. I was always so shy about having a conversation with someone else besides my husband, because my accent is so strong that nobody could ever understand what I said. Ha! frustraiting eh?.
All of my friends still live in Peru, they hang out pretty often and sometimes it is hard to see their pictures without thinking ..I wish I was there!.
Yes to everything in your post! Hope someone “replies” with a brilliant solution to this predicament. ;)
I love this post! It couldn’t be more true. If I didn’t live so far away I’d be knocking on your door!
Hi Bonnie! Love this post! Though I’m not married, I definitely think making friends after college is incredibly difficult. Though I’m still good long-distance friends with a few of the girls I grew up with (since we were 8!), the college besties have drifted further and further away. I have found my best “grown-up” friends and a billion acquaintances through the Junior League, a womens volunteer group. It gave us a foundation of like interests to build upon. More than 10 years after joining the organization, I’m still friends with the women I met the first year even if our involvement levels vary.
I think joining an interest group helps. I think that’s why mommy groups are so good for new moms. Similar interests and all that.
I find Meetup.com is great for making new friends with similar interests! I met a new friend at French language meetup last year.
I made a great friend through meetup group after moving to a new state two years ago. We didn’t even ave kids in common. (I had a baby and she had none.) But we hung out all the time. It was awesome. And then she moved! Booo! Now I’m looking again. Lol You meet so many people that are nice but you rarely find the one you want to hang with frequently.
And even if you have friends for different things like going for walks or out for sushi. Everyone doesn’t have to be a best friend. I also have friends with kids and it still works to go for coffee, etc. It is hard and sometimes others have a lack of follow through but we can be persistent.
Hi Bon Bon, You’re right forming long lasting friendships definitely gets harder as we get older. Family & work schedules get in the way of that “carefree lifestyle” you had when you’re younger. Making new friends (and by that I mean really close friends) is always a challenge for me. My husband was in the military for over 20 years which meant we moved every 3 years. So as soon as you started to make some close knit friendships it was time to say goodbye. Now we’re American expats living in Europe and even though we won’t be moving as often, the people in our community continue to rotate. Saying goodbye to really great friends is always difficult and it gets harder & harder as I get older. But I think one of the most important things & I continue to remind myself of is that you have to continue to put yourself out there. I currently live in a unique community where the majority of women don’t work but there is still the challenge of whether we speak the same language or not. Believe me there are AMAZING women EVERYWHERE, you just need to find them! :) What has worked for me in the past is getting involved in activities where I see the same women often. The more often you see someone, the more likely both people will begin to open up. It may start out casual but you never know where it may lead. I always say, “You never know where you’re going to meet your next best friend.” :) So think about the activities you enjoy… gym or yoga class, maybe a softball league, co-ed football team (great for making couple friends), book clubs at your local library or Barnes & Noble. If you like to cook or make art, check your local community college for some evening or weekend classes. I’ve also read articles about cooking clubs. Here’s a link to an article about a cooking club in California: http://www.californiacountry.org/features/article.aspx?arID=1047
If you decide to have children, they’re a great way to meet girlfriends!! There are tons of local Mom’s groups everywhere and if you sign up for baby/child activities you’ll meet lots of other mothers. Other than high school & college, I think making friends with new Moms is the 2nd best opportunity to make lasting friendships since it’s a big transition for many women. And if you meet someone who is honest & true with their feelings about parenting you can make deep connections sharing the emotional roller coaster of being a new Mom.
Well, I hope that helps! Good luck to you!! :)
My close friends came from church. Some of us are parents, some aren’t; some are married, some not. Spending time together volunteering in the church was the basis for our friendships… Knowing your friends have the same values as you is very important, as is having friends who are in different life stages. Those are the friendships that stand the test of time.
Some of this takes patience!! Good luck!
And I TOTALLY care she’s pregnant!
Hard to say. The funny thing is, SO many people seem to comment on how hard it is to make friends as an adult (myself included), so I wonder why it isn`t easier to do? Perhaps because we don`t naturally find ourselves seeing people in classes, like we did in school, enabling us to naturally, gradually get to know one another. Instead, we kind of have to go for it, like we would with a man, and ask a potential friend on a date. I need to work on this too! I would love to make some more friends (that’s a part of why I started blogging, really!)
Some Snapshots Blog
Jess
I’ve often felt the same way. As I’ve gotten older, opportunities to meet new people seem to dwindle as my life is consumed by household chores and taking care of two kidlets. Most of my current close friends are women I’ve met since I became a mom (five years ago). I joined a new mother’s support group when my first son was born and we all bonded very closely through desperation for adult companionship during the day and a shared lack of sleep. ;) My current best friend is a woman I met through my eldest son’s preschool. Her son and mine clicked and we originally began getting together for play dates, only to find out that we had a LOT in common and enjoyed each other’s company just as much as our kids did. Having kids can definitely open some doors to friendships, but it can also be challenging to fully enjoy hanging out with your bestie when you are interrupted every five seconds by squabbles, demands and incessant babble.
Would you be willing to get involved in activities outside of the house that interest you? Do you like sports? Maybe join an adult softball team. Do you like to scrapbook? Perhaps you could find a craft store that hosts scrapbooking nights. I guess finding something that you enjoy and could have in common with someone would be a great way to begin the process of gaining more friends. Like Matilda said, it does take time. I’ve known my BF for almost two years and I am just at the point where I am comfortable saying she’s my bestie and not feel like some creepy stalker.
Ps. I’ll totally be your friend! c:
I’m 38 and have four kids in school. I had this problem when I was in my 20’s and couldn’t seem to find a few girlfriends that I could do everything with like when I was in high school. At the peak of my frustration I read an article that said that women need to make friends in all areas of our lives. We need work friends, neighborhood friends, hobby friends, friends with kids the same age as ours (same school), old friends (high school/college) and one more I forgot! Our friends may not cross over from one area to another. For example, work friends may not share the same hobbies and old friends might not have kids yet but all of these friends are important. Once I thought about it from this perspective I realized that I had developed these friendships in my life. I may not have that one bestie that I can hang out with all day long but I do have friends wherever I go. This realization made me feel a lot better!!
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I had the same problem when I first got married too – and the worst part of that was my hubs played softball A LOT! So, he was never home – ever… I cried a ton when I first got married just ’cause I didn’t have any girlz to talk to… I consider myself an extravert as well and needed my girlfriends, but I had moved away from them for love. FF a few years and I am happy to say I have cultivated some close friendships. I have found friends through being honest about myself and open minded. My closest friend to date is one that I met at Ferguson’s (the plumbing store) when the hubs and I renoed our home! Oh, and pray – HARD for Christ to send you a “girl soul mate.” – It truly helps when He is guiding your path.
Yes! I totally understand where you’re coming from! I met my first “real, post-college” friend while on the Mega Bus (seriously…) as we were both taking the bus from Milwaukee to Minneapolis to meet up with our girlfriends. We chatted the entire trip and awkwardly exchanged phone numbers before departing. Because we had 6 hours to kill (verses 6 minutes after a yoga class or something) we were able to truly connect. I think it takes time and guts to meet people after college – there isn’t a magical venue or setting – it just take courage to be like – “Hey, I like you and I think if we went out for coffee/wine, we might be friends.” We all have the same problem and can’t find a “normal” solution.
I have remained friends with a LOT of people from high school (not sure if that is normal). No one from college really (although I was in a sorority) except my husband. And I have a few close friends from law school.
Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with old friends or to make new friends with people that I just kind of knew back in the day.
You have to be willing to talk to people to create new friendships. And be prepared to become friends with anyone at any time. You never know who may be your next bff. I think my hair stylist and I are about to become good buddies and that I started with her connecting with me through facebook and suggesting we go for a walk (she lives near me and we both want to exercise more).
Good luck!
Jillian
HappyScrappyHeart.blogspot.com
So funny and true!
Making new friends can be intimidating as an adult, because its hard to put yourself out there…you don’t want to look like a “stalker” but at the same time there are a lot of lonely people who just want someone to share something in common with, to talk to. Sometimes for me its as simple as waving and striking up a conversation with the neighbor…I am a military wife and we move every 1-2 years…so its either put yourself out there or be isolated and Facebook old friends/family. My best friends in our current location are several girls on my street that swapped cookies when new neighbors arrived, started a “juicing club” once a week where we all get together and bring fruits and veggies…make some delicious or horrible drink from them in our Lalanne juicer and then have a running commentary on its merits/demerits. We also throw in pinterest projects or a hobby that one of us is good at and willing to teach the group that week. We take random walks/jogs together around the neighborhood or go to the gym, but nothing is “required” participation. Super informal, I am pregnant but have no other children, one friend has a 1 year old, another 2 little boys and another is several weeks behind me in her pregnancy. Its all about coming up with something (not earth shattering) and then networking to see if you can snag a few folks to do it with you. :)
I found myself in this same exact boat when I moved to Seattle (from a small town) to be with my fiance, now husband. You would think being in a huge city would make it so easy to meet people because they’re EVERYWHERE…but definitely not, I have never felt more lonely. So I turned to Craigslist. I found I was definitely not the only one looking for friends. I exchanged pen pal type letters with several girls until one of them decided to host a meet up for all of us. About 15 girls got together and finally found a place for friends! We split off into smaller groups and I am still close with a couple of them. It was kind of unconventional way but at that point I was willing to try anything and clearly so were many other ladies!