It’s my birthday today. I’m turning 32. It’s crazy how fast life goes by, and how you just keep going and not even noticing changes in yourself or that you’re growing up more and more every year. Changes happen so subtly, they just become you. Then every once in a while, I take a real look at myself, who I am now and I realize that I’ve grown in a lot of ways.
For example. I like myself. I like who I am. For a really big chunk of my life I wasn’t really able to say that, but I can now. I wish I could say that I have some big decisive secret to being happy with who I am, quirks and all, but truthfully, I don’t think it’s something I decided to do. I think life gave me some really hard lessons over the last several years and that perspective sort of changed me, helped me see that disliking who I fundamentally am was a big fat waste of time, and my brain has bigger more important things to consider, way outside of myself. And it’s just now occurred to me as I write this, that all that energy I spent feeling self-conscious and being insecure, was really just kind of self-centered.
I also like my body. I used to loathe it. I used to feel so annoyed by my stubby legs, and my lack of height and how dang flat my chest is. How I have no curves whatsoever, even after I’ve had five babies, how my arms are naturally thick and my cheeks naturally full. My. Frizzy. Hair. But I love those things about me now. They’re no different than they were a few years ago. (okay, my chest is a little flatter.– thank you, nursing four babies) My mom used to tell me that every woman had her own beauty. She could see it, and the older I got I could see it in others, but I struggled to see it in myself. I don’t know when that changed but I can see it now, my own version of beautiful. I like my big rabbit teeth, they make my smile look really happy. And my unruly hair, is thick and always full and it’s really fun to wear curled. I like my breasts. They’re tiny, just so so tiny, but they are all mine. I earned my flat chest, and my husband loves it, so why do I care if I don’t look like a supermodel.
I used to be so paranoid about people not liking me. Especially people saying nasty things about me on the internet for all the world to read. I felt so horrible the first time I read something nasty someone had written about me online. It made me feel small and ridiculous and so vulnerable. It made me doubt myself. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t like me, and then– even worse, I couldn’t understand why anyone did like me. Maybe everything they were saying was true, maybe… But I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t worry about it, at all. I never thought I would get to that point, but there it is, and I feel like that’s a big accomplishment, although I can’t say that I actually did anything to get here.
Life, I give the credit to life again. Because life for me, for the last few years has been really really hard. My parents got divorced, I buried a baby, we moved 4 times in 3 years, my husband spent months working on a project out of state, and I’ve had more stress than I thought I was capable of handling. And, just to be real, running a business and being a mom is really, really hard for me.
And even though I like myself now, not all the changes in me have been positive. The space inside my head hasn’t been a comfortable place for a long time. I’ve always had a tendency towards anxiety, but this year, it became a whole different animal. Choking, life altering, debilitating anxiety. It’s humbled me. It’s put me in my place. It’s taught me so much, and also, nothing at all, if that makes any sense. I still struggle with it, every single morning. I wake up and it’s there. It’s made it easier to let go of the silly things I used to worry about, like my body or people liking me, and somehow, simultaneously made functioning through my life and the big grown-up decisions I have to make every day feel impossible.
It’s taught me to cling to God, my Savior, my husband, and my family. It’s given me compassion. It’s made me less judgmental. These are good things, and I’m grateful that I’ve learned them. But if I woke up tomorrow and it was gone forever, I wouldn’t mind it, no not one bit.
A birthday is such a personal thing, and I guess being older, I’m finally comfortable admitting that I don’t have it all figured out. That my life is a messy too, and my heart has deep scars, that I worry too much. This is who I am. Frizzy-haired, flat chested and a little crazy.
I’m comfortable with that.
Happy Birthday to me.
:-)
Jeans: Hudson. Sweater: Target. Button-up: Loft. (similar.) Shoes: similar. Necklace: JCrew. (similar.)
More great comfy sweaters to get you through the chilly months and they’re all on sale ;-).
Happy birthday! You look beautiful
http://girlandthepolkadot.blogspot.com/
Comfy and so chic:)
Shall We Sasa
Happy Birthday! And remember, The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. DVF (http://www.pinterest.com/pin/15833036165855232/)
such wise words. thank you Tiffany!
Happy Birthday! There is beauty in growing older and accepting ones self. Enjoy your day!
I am reading your post and can’t stop head nodding to everything you have said, friend feel the compassion I’m sending and breathe in the joy and breathe out the struggle ….you are not alone, this female reader understands and simply put…… is doing the best she can right along with you.
we’re all in this together! xo
Happiest of Birthdays! May you have a fabulous day and a peaceful year :)
Happy birthday!! I hope the day and upcoming year are wonderful.
Thank you for writing this post. I loved it. A lot of good things to think about and remember.
loved hearing more about the real you!
Happy Birthday! Self acceptance is the best gift anyone can give themselves. Happy Birthday!
I agree!
happy birthday! always be kind to yourself – you deserve it!
Happy birthday to you! This is a wonderful post–very well written. And this is why you are one of my favorite blogs. Not only do you have amazing design skill and style, but your writing always makes me smile. I hope you have an amazing day! PS I will be 33 in one month from today. ;-)
I follow regularly and hardly ever comment but I wanted you to know that somehow your personal insights were just what I needed today. Happy birthday and thank you for posting so many inspiring outfits and posts!
I’m so glad, sometimes it’s a little scary sharing more personal parts of myself.
Ha! not posts – I meant thoughts.
;-)
Thanks for sharing! I agree that getting older is great. I feel the same way in that I am much more comfortable in my own skin as I get older. I still have regrets, and which I could get over them. But, generally I am happy with the lessons I have learned. I also appreciate your business. It’s a lovely thing you are building! Your faith, family, and business are all lovely things to share :).
Take care,
Angela
Thank you so much Angela!
Lovely cardie with these jeans!
♥♥♥
Jeanne
http://www.fashionmusingsdiary.com
Happy birthday pretty lady!!!! I have always thought you were the cutest person ever by the way:)
Loved all of this. You’re my fave blogger. Adorable and most importantly real. I turn 31 this year and I feel you on the growth in almost every aspect. Know that most are cheering you on and are celebrating your successes with you and crying with you through your losses! I don’t always comment but my heart felt this one. Cheers to many more fabulous birthdays! Keep that firecracker spirit :)
Thanks April, I will! xo
Happy Birthday! You are such a beauty, inside & out. God’s grace is good. Have a great day Cori!!
You are beautiful inside and out! Happy Birthday to you…wishing you a fabulous birthday and year ahead! :)
Happy Birthday! I do enjoy my 30s in that I feel I don’t have to concern myself with a bunch of things that don’t matter, because I’m “old” and most people don’t care. I can go out in public by myself on a weekend, wear what I like instead of what people expect me to wear (as long as it is appropriate), not worry about what I’m not doing on a weekend because everyone else is “going out”, etc. Just dumb things. I will be turning that next magic age soon (1/2 70) and I am worried about that, honestly. The bodily changes and such. The “P” word. So I’m going to drink up the last moments of being “young” but not “young young”…and with a bit more sense. And you should, too.
PS-I have about the same teeth as you and no one ever said they look like a rabbit’s. I know they are big, though, but I’d rather have them too big than too small.
I’ve gotten chipmunk too. haha. now I think it’s funny, but middle school was brutal. ;-)
My favorite blogger,
Thank you for being so open& honest. Everyon has insecurities and I too, am one of them.
just like you, I’m short (4’11) & it’s killed me all my life. Nothing wrong with short stature but I’m sure a couple more inches would’ve been so much better. I have a son in elementary & it’s funny (or not at times) how the school kids wonder of I’m an adult or child! LOL!!! Hello!!!! Does this happen to you? Ugh! They ask my son of I’m their mom? Sometimes, to get a kick out of it, I say I’m his sister. Lol
Anyway, just wanted to share.
Happy Birthday, Cori
that happens to me all the time! people ask if I’m the big sister. ha!
Happy Birthday! Can I say how glad I am that you were one of the people I sat next to at the Seattle blogger brunch? You were completely humble, super sweet, genuine, and very supportive. On top of being completely put together, looking beautiful, and an amazing business woman. I hope to some day be able to shrug things off and be less insecure and your post makes me think that a little growing up will help with that. Thank you for sharing today. And have a wonderful birthday! xo
thank you Julia! It was so great to meet you as well. It’s hard to put yourself out there, it opens you up to criticism which, let’s face it, no one likes. I think it really does get easier and easier to ignore and be who you really are the older you get. xo
I just love this. I feel like I have dealt with a lot of the same issues as you have. Small chest, not liking myself, caring too much about what others think…but I love that with age (I’m 32 also), these things are not even concerns for me anymore. This is why I always tell people I love getting older! Thanks for inspiring us all. I love your blog and have been reading for years, but never comment.
You are beautiful. Happy Birthday!
I am living with generalized anxiety disorder, and I appreciate you for opening up. It helps to know that there are others who are dealing with something similar. I know what you mean about when you wakeup, it is there. I have those days but there are also some good ones in between. You can do it!
You are awesome. This probably doesn’t mean much coming from someone who only knows you from your blog, but I love visiting your space every day. I’m so jealous of your frame, your style and your little family. It takes a lot to be happy with who we are and I’m glad that you’re at that point. I just had my first baby and I’m looking forward to getting to the point where I’m happy with my body again (mommy pooch-need I say more?)
Thanks for sharing your struggles and your triumphs. Your post about losing Ruby helped me get through my own miscarriage. I work from home and wish every day that I didn’t have to, but seeing your example of being a great mom and business owner helps me realize that I can be a great mom and still work.
Thanks again for blogging and sharing all that you do. (Also, one day I will own one of your pieces! They’re seriously to die for *insert heart eyes emoji here*)
I am always amazed that the more you share about yourself, the more I see of myself in your posts. So many similarities. With the exception of height (I’m 5’7) and maybe the teeth (mine are crooked but not all that huge), you could have been writing about me. I am grateful for the wisdom that age has provided and that I am finally able to say that I like myself. I still struggle with worrying about why people don’t like me (or if they like me at all) but I do know that *I* like me, and that is a good feeling to have. It has taken me 5 years longer than you to figure it out but I am happy to be getting to that place where my overly small boobs and bony hips don’t bother me much and that I can see the value in my thin wispy hair (it only take 4 min to blow dry so that’s a definite plus!). Here’s to hoping that each new year brings added wisdom and understanding, and maybe just a little more kindness and compassion for ourselves. Works in progress …..
I have tears and they are of pure joy and happiness. I have read your blog for a few years now and through out those years as I read your posts I feel like I get to know you a little bit better. As much as one can get to know someone else one-sided. ;)
Also over those years you have helped me with faith in myself, God and people. I don’t have children and so I will not pretend to know the loss of one, but when you had every right (in my mind) to be mad at God you chose instead to cling to him and that was a eye opening reading for me. I hope you know that your words are truly helpful and I am happy to read that you are enjoying who you are today. Sending love and happiness to you and your family.
Xo
Brittany
You always look amazing! Even though I’m old enough to be your mother, I enjoy your blog so much. I, too, am vertically challenged at 5’0″ :) I loved the long cardigan so much, I just ordered one online. I get ideas from your style and then modify them for my age. You and your littles are adorable! Happy belated birthday!
thank you Jill! This just made my day!
Happy Birthday! Completely liking myself is something I am still working on! I do think it gets better as I get older. Your hair is gorgeous. Mine is super frizzy too, but I haven’t mastered making it look consistently nice as much as you have. It’s a work in progress. Have a great day!
it took me years to master my hair and then still some days the weather throws something crazy at me and it’s like I haven’t learned anything at all! blah!
Happy Birthday! Thank you for your post. I appreciate your honesty. Everyone faces specific trials in life. Those trials make us stonger!
I think you are amazingly talented and beautiful. I always look forward to reading your blog. I love that you are true to your beliefs through and through. Thank you for designing modest clothing. It’s very difficult to find clothing that covers the body the way it should. One day I will own a CorIlynn piece!!!!!!
I LOVE reading your blog! With that being said, this was a beautiful post. =) Thank you! I hope you had a great birthday!
I just want to share that I also struggle with severe anxiety. I have always leaned toward an anxious personality, but having kids sealed the deal. Sometimes the weight of being responsible for 3 young people, not to mention maintaining a marriage and a household, can be too much. I’ve often thought if God took me tomorrow, it would almost be a relief. I think you are so beautiful and talented and courageous for starting a business while having a family…it’s amazing really. Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts and struggles. It really does help to hear that other people struggle with anxiety. God bless!!
Shelley, thank you for your comment. I have had the same thought so many times, if God took me it would almost be a relief, and at the same time the thought of being away from my children, not being there for them is the literal worst thing I can imagine. I feel like this trial has taught me so much compassion, and I know that’s a good thing, but it’s been such a humbling experience. Thanks so much for your comment. This is me sending you a virtual hug! xo
Cori, I can totally relate to anxiety. I think part of it comes from not knowing what the future holds for us. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the “What if this happens or doesn’t happen’s” of life, that we stay up til 5:30 in the morning because of it and force ourselves to fall asleep. I am personally so, so, so grateful for your blog. I’ve been reading it for years, and I’ve cried and laughed and have fallen in love with fashion. I don’t know why anyone would say anything but great things about you. You are an inspiration. I’ve learned so much about life from your writing, and I just hope you never stop!
Thank you for this post..I needed it. I think your a wonderful person.
Thank you for being so real in this post- And thank you for not saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” ….because sometimes it just doesn’t. Sometimes life peels back the bubble and shows you what real “hard” looks like, and you come out of life’s deep end a little more jaded, a little more vulnerable and delicate and anxious and also thankful and capable and compassionate. Life can change you…sometimes we become more of ourselves and sometimes less. I have had a hard last thee years as well. And sometimes my life looks perfect on the outside (type A, anxiety prone personalities are good at masks:) so people can’t necessarily see the drowning on the inside. But it is good to know I am not alone…and it might be good to know you are not alone. You are beautiful on the outside, but most of all, your spirit shines through on this blog and I wish we could be friends IRL:) I turned 32 this year as well…and it is refreshingly the first time I can look at me…and be me. I think this decade is going to be a good one:)