If there’s one thing this pandemic has taught us, it’s that no one in this world is immune from some hardship. It’s a part of the human condition and one of the ways that we develop.
One of the biggest responsibilities I feel as a parent is to help my children to grow into the fullest and best version of themselves and to be ready to face the world as adults and thrive no matter what gets thrown at them. I have found that one of the most important attributes for them to develop in order to be well adjusted and resilient is grit.
I am so impressed with the way my kids have all adjusted incredibly well during the corona pandemic. They’ve become more independent, helpful, motivated and engaged. They’ve responded to remote learning like champs and have each come up with their own system for how to get their work done effectively each day from home. I’m not surprised. Grit is a key part of our family’s culture. We’ve been working to develop grit as a family for years, and that work is paying dividends now that we are in the middle of society’s biggest health and financial crisis of our lifetime.
So how do we help our kids develop grit, so that when life throws hard things at them (and it will) they can not only survive, but thrive.
I would like to share a few of my core approaches to helping kids develop grit.
Give them opportunities to work hard and teach them to stick with it.
Laziness is the enemy of grit. Give your kids opportunities to work hard, at tasks that stretch them early on in life and teach them to stick with it when it gets difficult. You don’t need to jump in and fix it when they whine or complain, but you also don’t have to argue with them. Your quiet reassurance that they can do it, will teach them more than you realize. Let them struggle, grow and learn to love hard work. Regular chores, family yard projects and having them to help with the dishes each night all help cultivate a spirit of ingenuity in your kids. Kids as young as 3 and 4 can start helping and it’s a gradual increase over time.
Don’t rescue them when they get frustrated.
You’re kids are going to have lots of frustrating moments throughout their childhood. As a loving parent your impulse is going to be to jump in and rescue them. Don’t. Just wait, give them the opportunity to increase their confidence by solving problems on their own. It will endow them with so much self-assurance and awareness. One of my favorite phrases to say to my kids is, “keep working at it, I know you can figure this out.” This helps reinforce a few ideas. One, that I trust and have faith in their abilities, two, that working at things is the key to moving forward, and three that with hard work, everything is figure-out-able.
Praise effort over accomplishments and attributes.
Praising efforts over accomplishments and attributes helps set the tone on what your kids should be striving for. It also helps embed in them the idea that the goal is to do the best they can irregardless of the outcome. We cannot always control the outcome and people who solely focus on accomplishments have a very hard time adjusting when things don’t go well. It also helps to cultivate a growth mindset. Along that same vein, focusing on effort rather than attributes helps your kids understand that there is no scarcity on how much they can develop as a person. For example, if you are constantly praising a child for being smart whenever they do well, if they have a bad test or fail to comprehend a subject, they might feel that they have reached the limit of their intelligence. That they are no longer “smart.” If you focus instead on praising their efforts with their intelligence you reinforce the idea that there is no limit to their development. If/when they run into failure, it’s just a matter of getting to work with their smart mind and figuring it out.
Model a growth mindset.
Like so many other situations in parenthood, the best teacher is your example. You have to practice what you preach. Continually model for your kids a growth mindset. Which I would sum up in one simple sentence: “We can figure it out.”
Don’t protect them from every difficult situation.
When I was in 7th grade, I tried out for my Junior High basketball team. I know that sounds ridiculous, given that I was maybe 4’5″ but I was actually a fairly decent player. I made it through 2 rounds of cuts, but ultimately, I didn’t make the team. The day I found out, I was heartbroken. I called my mom on the school payphone, crying and told her I didn’t make the team. She was very kind and loving, and I remember thinking she would come and pick me up. But she never did. That day was very humiliating and hard to get through, but I got through it. And at the end, I was stronger. Years later, she told me that she wanted so badly to come and pick me up but she had a strong impression that she needed to let me stay at school, that it would help me grow. And she was right. That little bit of strength served me later on as I continued to encounter hard and humiliating situations in life.
It is so easy to want to save your kids from every difficult, unpleasant experience, but it would be doing them a huge disservice. Every struggle I’ve been through has been the firm foundation from which I’ve walked through the next trial on. Give your kids the gift of letting them navigate difficult situations while they are safe at home so they are less frightened and more capable of dealing with them when the stakes are higher as adults. If my kids have an issue they need to discuss with a teacher, I let them handle it. I give them lots of opportunities to do things that are outside their comfort zone and then give them lots of love and encouragement while they do them. But I don’t rescue them, because I love them so much I want to give them these opportunities for growth and development.
Be honest about difficult situations.
Don’t shield your kids completely from hard, scary or difficult situations. You can, be honest about things that are happening around and to you, without over dramatizing or scaring them. And your calm self-assurance in times of turbulence will teach them how to respond to similar situations without losing their cool or panicking.
For example: We have talked a lot with our kids about what’s happening in the world right now. (Yes, even Ava our 7 year old.) That there is a bad virus, that people are dying, that the economy is in trouble, and that things are uncertain right now. We then follow with our faith that God has a plan and will protect us, that we are being very cautious following the recommendations to stay home, washing our hands, wearing masks, etc when we have to go to the grocery store. My husband works for an aerospace company, primarily in commercial airplane engines. Virtually no airplanes are flying right now. There is a strong chance he will be furloughed or laid-off and we have talked about that with our kids. We have also told them that we have prepared with savings, and are working very hard at night and on weekends ramping up our businesses so that if it does happen, we will just fine as a family.
If they never experience turbulence as a child, if they are never aware of the hard things happening and then encounter it for the first time as adults they will be literally shook. Give them the opportunity to experience difficult things and respond productively.
Be an example of Grit.
Like I said before, your kids will learn the most from your example. Want them to be hardworking, steady adults, model that behavior for them. Want them to be kind and loving spouses, model that behavior. Want them to develop grit, show them that you have it. Make one of your family mottos “We can do hard things.” I let my kids see me working hard into the night, at a time like this because I want them to see that when things get rough, you can do something about it. You can put your head down and get to work. You can overcome the fear, the anxiety, and conquer whatever trial you encounter by never giving up. This is who I hope to be, this is what I want my kids to see and become. People with grit have a bright outlook and a calm sense of surety. You can have this, even now. You can help your kids to develop it. And it will serve them for the rest of their life.
No disaster need ever be wasted, every trial is an opportunity to grow, expand and become something more than you were before. Let your kids see this in you, help them find it in themselves.
And never forget, WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!
More about how I approach parenting:
How I raise kids who love to read.
Why boredom is one of the best gifts you can give your kids.
How I’m keeping my kids on a schedule during the pandemic.
This post really resonated with me! Well put and great encouragement during such unprecedented times as we navigate teaching our children not only their normal schoolwork, but also grasping the world outside our walls and how we can all be responsible and contributing citizens.
Such great advice!