Blazer: H&M (similar.) Sweater: Loft. (similar.) Silk Blouse: Everlane. Boots: Steve Madden. (similar.) Jeans: Forever21. (amazing pair.)
We spent the end of our holiday season up in Eastern Idaho at my in-laws homestead. I like to visit up there. It easy to feel peaceful in such a quiet place, and I feel like I know Craig better when I’m watching the horses he rode and driving past the fields where he moved pipe growing up. It reminds me what a good, decent hard-working human being I married. And I remember to be grateful for him.
I don’t know about you, but it seemed, in the last few days of 2013 that my media feeds were flooded with slideshows of everyone’s year. Most of them exclaiming that 2013 had been the best ever. I didn’t mind it, it makes me happy to see how happy other people are. There was a time in my life, a more insecure time, where I might not have felt that way, but I do now. But just in case there’s someone else out there who’s struggled this year, I want you to know, that 2013 was not my greatest. In fact, it turned out to be the very most heartbreaking year of my entire life. When I think about all the sadness that surrounded me, and the people I love most last year, all the heartbreaking moments, I can hardly bear it. I can’t think of those things much, it makes me feel like the grief will wash over me and I will drown in it. I don’t think I will be able to look back on 2013 for a long time without feeling that, and maybe that’s okay.
Mr told me last night that I should stop trying to force myself out of the grief. (I’m a real, get back on the horse, put on a happy face type person, which hasn’t really worked this year) He told me that I should just live the way I want to live and let time heal what I haven’t been able to yet and not try to make myself feel anything. I like that idea. And I think he’s right. Sometimes, it takes God a long time to heal our hearts. Sometimes, He lets us hurt, and hard so that He can mold us into something different than we used to be. Sometimes, he lets life break us down, so he can build us up. 2013 almost broke me, but I am looking forward now. Maybe it’s His hand, or maybe it’s faith. But either way, I feel like 2014 is looking bright.
I’m happy to greet the sun.
I had already pinned this outfit not knowing it was from your blog! Love it!
http://www.wearflowersinyourhair.com
I’m happy to hear your looking forward. Me too. 2013 wasn’t my greatest year either, in fact I had a dreaded feeling as it was starting last year. Opportunities that we were sure were going to happen fell apart and blew away with the wind, but God brought new opportunities our way. New doors were opened and prayers were answered in other areas of our lives. 2014 – we are excited about, we are hopeful again. I’m so glad to see that you are too!
you look gorgeous here. but more importantly, i had a rough 2013 too (not heartbreaking, but not great) and i can say it certainly was one of the worst years in recent memory full of doubt, sadness, uncertainty, and then finally, as we enter 2014, some resolution. i hope it perks up for you and the grief can find a better home, out of your heart and in memory, in this year
ladies in navy
Your posts inspire me so much. You are so real & your emotions are so raw sometimes. I too have had a difficult year, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but when you’re living in it you feel like it’s way too much. I’m praying for a few more rays of sunshine in 2014, but until then I will continue to pray & have faith, because He always has our backs!!
Blessings in the coming year to you & your family :)
Cori,
My heart breaks for you. I hope that your 2014 is happier and that you are able to find some peace. Please know that I really enjoy your posts. I always look in my feed for your posts first.
Tracy
When we have patient’s who lose their baby via stillbirth or miscarriage I encourage them to always allow themselves to feel how they feel. If they’re happy then be happy ,if you’re sad then be sad, if you’re mad then be mad, if you want to break something then do it (within reason). We so often hide our emotions for the sake of others and honestly if they are your true friends, then you shouldn’t have to. You’re husband is so right. You need to allow yourself to grieve Cori, that is the only way you will heal. It takes time and everyone grieves in different ways. Hang in there Cori and remember that everyone wants the world to see that their lives are perfect, but who’s is really? I know mine certainly isn’t and I try and let my readers know that.
Agi:)
vodkainfusedlemonade.com
Shine on sister. 2013 wasn’t great to everyone. Social media has the tendency to glorify and idealize and you just have to keep that in mind when you browse the feed. Those people probably didn’t share their heartbreaks but you did. That takes courage. I bet you had a courageous and brave 2013, but coupled with hurt. May 2014 bring you strength and blessings!
These photos are stunning! Good luck with making this year better than the last. It’s one small step a day in the right direction.
http://jax-and-jewels.blogspot.com
Love your blog and your clothing line! 2013 was not a great year for me either. I thought I would share with you a couple of quotes that God has used to encourage me. I hope they encourage you as well.
“Job lost everything. He could not fix what happened to him, much less stop or explain it. In fact, he could barely hold on. Thankfully, the good news of the gospel is NOT an exhortation from above to “hang on at all costs,” or “grin and bear it” in the midst of hardship. No, the good news is that God is hanging on to YOU, and in the end, when all is said and done, the power of God will triumph over every pain and loss.”
“We may not ever fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives. We may not ever find the right answers to how we’ll dig ourselves out. There may not be any silver lining, especially not in the ways we would like. But we don’t need answers as much as we need God’s presence in and through the suffering itself. For the life of the believer, one thing is beautifully and abundantly true: God’s chief concern in your suffering is to be WITH you and be Himself FOR you.”
These are both from Glorious Ruin by Tullian Tchividjian.
Praying you experience God’s love and presence as you heal!
Since I can very much relate to your heartbreaking year as we lost a baby @ 30+.
Sorry, I accidentally hit send. I meant 20+ weeks. I get it and your resolutions. I feel like people don’t expect me to feel so much anymore, like I should be over it already and I am hard on myself because I do have so much to be grateful for, but man, I miss that baby so much.
I hope that 2014 turns out to be much better!! Its like a fresh start, a chance to get a new perspective and regroup. I am sorry for your sadness!
This post was so touching. I hope that 2014 is better and brighter for you and your family!
I really love your outfit, especially the blazer. You’re post was beautiful. It’s true, not every year is a good year! I hope you’re able to move on and make this next year wonderful. Good luck this next year. :)
merrimentandgrace.blogspot.com
I’m new to your blog so I’m not sure what has caused your unhappiness this year but I can totally relate. My heartbreak year was 2011. I lost my grandmother, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I lost my dad in a motorcycle accident all within a three to four month time span. That year was so full of loss and uncertainty and grief. I felt like I’d been sucker-punched and had the wind knocked out of me. It took me a while to feel like I could stand up again (almost a year) and I didn’t reach out or talk very much about it. It’s a slow process and your husband is so right. Grief cannot be rushed. Another things that no one tells you about grief is how much it changes you. My perspective on life was forever altered. Every person deals with it in their own way, but for me what helped the most was to not just live in the grief and allow it to wash over me, but to dry my tears and use the pain (and the lessons) to better my life. It’s what those that I lost would’ve wanted me to do and in a way, I think living a beautiful, happy life (one that was given to me) was the best way for me to honor their lives. Grief is not a period of time that occurs after a loss or tragedy, it is a new emotion that is introduced into our lives forever. It comes and it goes. And it’s usually not at convenient times but there is relief and happiness and joy in your future and I hope that 2014 brings lots of it your way. =)
Very well said: sometimes, we just have to feel the feelings. I too have struggled and your husband’s advice is very true and incredibly wise. Often, I find myself praying for the wrong thing—begging for the thing I want rather than the strength to face what I don’t have.
We all have our crosses to bear and everyone has a story that would break your heart. I find comfort in knowing that my journey is about coming to terms with my truth, my own personal reality, rather than wishing for something else or dreaming of a life I perceive to be ‘better.’
My husband and I can’t have children. That is our truth. And the moment I allowed myself to sit with my truth, I stopped being angry at God and started a journey to happiness. All I ever wanted, it turns out, was to be happy. (Isn’t that what we all want?) I’m still a work in progress, but I am stronger because of my journey. Sometimes, the road was through fire, but I got here.
Lots of love to you.
I love your blog! Your beautiful style is such an inspiration but most importantly your honesty. Yes you show you’re happy but also that you have problems and heartache and I think we can all relate to that. Life is not about focusing on the negative but it’s also not smart to try to be happy so fast because the end result is that you never really heal. And that takes a toll on your physical and mental health. I did that when I lost my mother, I trie to hurry up and feel better and it resulted in horrible anxiety attacks for years, I still struggle with them. I’ve stopped reading some blogs because life isn’t always sunshine and trips to Paris and although I’m happy for them sometimes it’s nice to see a real person tell a real story. Thank you for that! Hang in there! Proverbs 3:5,6
Thanks for speaking your truth. 2013 was the worst year of my life so far, too–and I had thought it would be the year when things would turn around after the previous two years of losses and sorrow. Instead, we buried our son in 2013. So I am afraid to hope that 2014 will be better…all I can do is wait. Hope is hard to muster.
I think no one can tell anyone else what their grief should look like or how to process it…and we can’t even make our own grief follow the pattern we might think it should take. I think it is what it is, day by day, and it changes us forever. My hope is that it makes me kinder and more compassionate, wiser and more tender. Even though some days, right now, I see it making me angry and bitter…but that is okay, too, because it’s part of the process, and I don’t think it’s where I will end up.
I’m sorry for your heartbreak this past year. May the sun indeed shine in 2014.
Just lovely.
Blessings and peace to you in 2014.
Stunning photos! I love them!
A lot like you, my 2013 was heartbreaking. One month in to 2013, I lost my 8th child (my 5th miscarriage.) just shy of the end of my first trimester. And even though I felt this grief before because I lost four babies prior to my three living children, this fifth miscarriage broke me apart. I took the whole year to work through my grief and despair, feeling the loss deeply and the way I should have mourned the four losses prior.
Your husband seems a sensitive and wise man. Take his advice and just feel the way you are feeling, say and write what you need to, take as long a time as you need in order to feel renewed. You’ll never be the same, but you’ll be renewed by His grace. Just remember to give yourself as many time-outs and breaks as you need to work your way back.
I pray that 2014 brings you much joy, contentment, peace, and a renewed spirit. May God bless you and your beautiful family!
I read your blog constantly and I wanted to take the time to say that I am glad that you post about real life and how you feel. I still struggle with putting my real feelings out there sometimes and I find it absolutely refreshing that you do (it is very inspiring). While I don’t know much about your 2013 (only what you wrote about) I do hope that this year sends you lots of happy and loving surprises (big and small).
This is such a beautiful post, Cori. I used to think grief and heartache were things to quickly push through and get over but I realize now that grief and sadness very much serve a purpose in our lives and shouldn’t be rushed through or ignored. I read a book called “Mood Tides” by Ron Horton that really helped me appreciate the value of emotion, sadness, grief…all the things we tend to treat like weaknesses instead of normal, valuable parts of our lives. Anyway, hope 2014 is a bright, beautiful year for you and your family! :]
Kari
with ya, sister. Had to watch my mom go through horrendous cancer in 2013. At the moment she is cancer-free, thanks be to God!
God bless you, your family, and your work, and God bless 2014!
thanks for continually being a Fashion inspiration for busy moms like me!
I love quote by Annie Swetchine that got me through my heartaches, “Those who have suffered much are like those who know many languages; they have learned to understand and be understood by all.” I’ve lost four babies. One at 10 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks, and 8 weeks. Two in 2011 and two in 2013. We also lost my 20 month old nephew in April. Statistically speaking, I knew I would encounter women who have been through the same thing I have. And I am able to understand them. It is important to me that I come full circle. I think the biggest thing I have realized is that we all are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, especially when we have no choice in the matter, but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel the weight of our grief. We have these human emotions for a reason. When we get to the other side of our trial, it is much easier to see how the dark is necessary to help us better appreciate the light, because we have seen both. But it is still hard sometimes!
Thank you so much for this comment Kerstin. I cannot even tell you how timely it is. Yesterday was a grieving day for me; I haven’t cried that much in a long time, and the words you wrote here, were not only true, but comforting and inspiring. Much love, Cori