Dress: made by me. Jacket: Old Navy. (similar.) Shoes: Target. Bag: Anne Klein. (similar.) Watch: Michael Kors. Sunglasses: H&M (similar.)
This last weekend was a good one. I can’t even figure out why it was so good. We were just together, and busy and at the end of the day on Sunday I had that calm, happy feeling of being ready for the week, instead of that nervous, “I didn’t really get the weekend I needed” feeling. Life has been really, really good lately. I almost forgot what that felt like. I feel like me again. The me I forgot about for awhile, and I feel alive again too, instead of sort of half dead.
Which makes me very grateful.
It was Ruby’s birthday on Saturday. It’s already been a year; I can’t believe it. One year. Time goes by so fast, I’m noticing that more and more the older I get. I didn’t know how I would feel on her birthday, if I would have to relive it all in my head again. I was afraid of that, of reliving that day–the drive to the hospital, the labor, delivering a baby who had passed away just moments before. And I did relive it, a lot of it. But time is a great healer, and I can see now what a gift that whole experience was. How it’s fundamentally changed me. And while I was sad, what I felt most on Saturday was love. That intangible blanketed feeling of loving and being loved from all around you and inside you. Love is a great healer too, just like time.
And the thing is, Ruby is part of our family. I was so worried at first that she’d be forgotten, that she would disappear, that it would be like she never was. But we haven’t forgotten her, and she has a place in our family and our lives. My grief is much quieter now. I keep her tucked into that soft corner of my heart reserved for the most special things, and she’s at home there, and I can feel her everyday. She’s in everything.
And when I feel her, I am happy.
