on me: Pants: Gap. (last summer, similar.) Graphic Tee: Old Navy. Sweater: Loft. (similar.) Shoes: JCrew Factory. Bag: Kenneth Cole Reaction. (via Ross.-I know!) (similar.)
On Ava: Jacket, Jeans, Top. Shoes: Walmart. (couldn’t help myself, they’re sparkly.)
Ava turned 18 months on Sunday. 18 months with this little cherub, and I wonder how she ever wasn’t part of our family. I can’t even fathom it now.
Do you know what I love most about having babies? How their personalities write themselves onto your heart and change you. Every addition to our family changes not just the dynamic, but me as a mother. The way I feel about being a parent, the way I see myself and my children. If you’ve been reading for a while, you know that having Ava wasn’t easy. It took us a long time to conceive her, and when we finally did, it felt like such a miracle. Then mid-pregnancy, they told us there might be something wrong with her. Spina bifida or possibly something else. “Just let me keep this baby,” I thought to myself, because losing a baby was something I knew I could never handle. She was such a miracle to me when she was born, perfect and plump. The baby with the “cheeks” the nurses called her. And I started to appreciate what a miracle all my children are. The fact that getting the first three here was so easy. We didn’t even have to try, they just came; perfect, healthy, not a single complication…
When Ava was just shy of five months old I started feeling sick. I thought I had the flu, I was sure that must be it. Pregnancy was next to impossible. But you know, the human body doesn’t always make sense. All that work to get Ava here and then Ruby just happened. I know she wasn’t an accident, that she was meant to be part of our family, just a heavenly part. The first week after we buried her, I wanted to drive over to the cemetery and dig her up. I couldn’t bare the thought of her tiny body buried in the cold ground. Which sounds irrational and morbid unless you’ve got a mother’s heart. I feel that I am so physically aware of my children at all times. It’s one of those surprises of motherhood, how intense that physical connection is with your children. How natural it is for me to want to kiss and cuddle them all the time. Even my bigger kids. Even though my boys roll their eyes when I hug them now, even though they act embarrassed. I feel that they are as much a part of who I am as any other aspect of my being. When I think about Ruby now, her tiny body, her expression, the only one I would ever see of her, how fragile she was in my hands, and how her spirit is still very alive, I feel bitter sweet joy. I know she’s happy where she is, I can feel it. I feel her all the time; I feel her touching my spirit, and she too is changing me as a mother and a human.
Ava is my sunshine. Pure joy. Her mini Craig face, her baby mullet that I just can’t bring myself to cut, her spunk, her fearless spirit, her aversion to hair pretties. Every day of discovery with her makes me grateful. Grateful for who she is, who her siblings are, and who I imagine Ruby will be. Being their mother has challenged and stretched me, it’s given me a better sense of humor, it’s helped me learn to let go, but mostly, it’s taught me just how beautiful the world can be.
That next to last photo is my favorite. It’s like she’s saying, “oh, stop!!! No, really! Tell me more about how beautiful I am.”
~Cheryl
http://snaps-of-ginger.blogspot.com/
Baby mullets are the best! 18-months is such a great age (we were just there two short months ago). The pics brightened my day, thanks for sharing. I’m sure Ruby loves watching over her big sis and all of her teeny person adventures.
Cheers!
-Michele
The Salty Hanger
Beautiful post Cori! Your family is so cute and sweet – I have a 2 month old and I definitely want to kiss and cuddle him all the time!
Your pants are perfect!
http://www.loveandclothing.com
Well, I’m tearing up now. I have always so much enjoyed every aspect of your blog–your style and your talent for making clothes–but most of all, I LOVE when you talk about your kids. Because I have a “mother’s heart” too. I have three kids and I am pregnant with my fourth. I had a miscarriage just before this one and I know how you feel because my first three came so easily and unplanned even without a single complication. I have been so cautious with this pregnancy–treating it like the biggest miracle. Of course, for the first 14 weeks, I was a nervous mess due to the previous miscarriage. Then was the risk of premature labor. Now, at almost 38 weeks, I thought I could finally rest easy. But just yesterday I got news that I might have ICP–a liver condition that could be nothing to me, but could be fatal to the baby if it is untreated. I spent yesterday and this morning being monitored and getting tests. I am currently waiting on the phone call to decide what is going on–and whether I will be delivering this little one a couple of weeks before I thought we were going to. And even though I already have two April babes and wanted so much for this one to be born in May, it is the furthest concern from my mind now. (Three of yours were born in October too right?) I just want the baby to be healthy and come into the world safely. Your story of faith and motherhood was EXACTLY what I needed to read this morning. Thank you so much Cori.
Beautiful thoughts put into most courageous words… Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Cori!
I shared your newest line on blog today… Check it out
Happy Medley
This makes my heart so so happy! Absolutely precious!
Such a lovely post and amazing capture of motherhood. Your candor regarding everything that has happened as a part of your family’s story is courageous and inspiring. Thank you for sharing that piece of yourself (and the precious pictures of those cheeks!)
I love your outfit, and Ava is adorable!
Haley
haleyvalerie.com
Very classy and casual outfit! Loved it :)
Check out my site!
xo
Amy
http://wear–happiness.blogspot.de/
Yes. The son we lost last year feels physically present to me, too.
I’m so glad you have Ava to hold tightly even as you miss your Ruby.
Hugs.
Cori, thank you so much for sharing your heart. Tears rolled down my face as I read your words about Ruby. I have never lost a child, but I totally understand your thoughts and know that exact connection you speak of. I don’t think what you said was morbid at all. I think that is a natural mother’s feeling. You are a shining example of motherhood and I appreciate that! xo
What a beautiful, heartfelt and inspiring post. I’m a new mom to a 10 week old babe and every second that passes I love her even more it hurts. And I swear I must say it to her a hundred times a day. I loved her when she was a thought. Then when she was a little bl
What a beautiful, heartfelt and inspiring post. I’m a new mom to a 10 week old babe and every second that passes I love her even more, it hurts. And I swear I must say it to her a hundred times a day. I loved her when she was a thought. Then when she was a little blob in my belly and I loved her when she was born-and saw her for the first time. The way I adore her it’s unmeasurable. It’s as if my heart never was complete or so much full of love as now. And I can’t fathom the idea that I’m going to love her more every second that passes. She truly brightens my day and face with one of her precious little smile or gesture. My heart, I feel has opened up so much as a result of her.
This is the sweetest post and one of the reasons I keep coming back here. I love your designs and your style but I also love that you can be transparent and share the joy AND the pain of life. It’s refreshing in this world of social media where often we just see the perfectly pretty. We have one sweet girl who is now 8. For years I wanted another but my husband was not so on-board. I finally came to the conclusion that it just wasn’t meant to be and it was time to move on when I found out last week that I have endometriosis. Finally, an explanation, but it broke my heart. I can’t even really describe why but it was so very hard. There’s just something about a mommy’s heart, I guess. Sorry for my book! ;) Thanks again, Cori!
Corilynn,
My son, Jarrett, died one month after his 17th birthday. I have spent years worrying about him when it was cold, hot, raining, snowing. People always told me that I was being ridiculous that Jarrett was in heaven…not in his grave. The body I loved, protected and tended to was in that grave, though and I did not know how to let go. Time has certainly eased that pain and worry and will for you one day.
As I write this, I am holding my one week old baby. The joy he has brought to my life is immeasurable.
I am so glad that Ava brings you such happiness in the midst of sorrow. I understand.
Isn’t it amazing how much these little humans change us as no other human can? It is the proof to me of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness and families being central to that plan. My four littles (and my Mr.) have changed my heart and burst it wide open. I never understood the term “my pride and joy” until they came along. I also know the pain and frustrations that come and that is all part of the plan as well, as hard as it is some days. I know Ruby is part of your plan and she is with you in every way, blessing you and your littles daily. Who knew life could be so bittersweet?!?
Your sentimental heart, your mothering perspective, and your lovely words all resonate with me. I just want you to know that I “get it,” too, as a mother of 3 on earth and 6 angels in heaven. Keep writing and sharing. Your words make a difference to so many kindred spirits who follow you.
This made me tear up. I can’t imagine how you feel but you are brave and courageous for sharing.
Thank you for sharing such personal sentiments. It is inspiring to me to be a more present and appreciating mother to my babes.
Huggs to you. I’m a new mom to a beautiful 6-month-old baby and I totally understand. You are strong and courageous!