This dress makes me super cheerful and some days that’s what you have to do to get out of a funk. Put on something cheerful.
Saturday marked three months since we lost our Ruby girl. It’s funny, because I see her in my head and my heart. All the time. And she doesn’t look like that tiny little baby I held for too brief a time in the hospital, she looks like a little girl. I’d like to think my momma heart knows her, and I think that I do. I have felt her so many times in the last three months. My goodness, every time I see a sunset I feel her close to me. The night before she was born and died, I laid in a warm bath begging my body to stop laboring. I could feel her turning around inside of me, and I knew that this was the only time I would feel her alive on earth. I felt her spirit, and if you are a mother you understand that connection. I’ve felt it with every single one of my babies. And when they are born it’s like “oh hello, there you are, I knew that was you.”
This last summer was one long rainstorm for me. Do you know how there are times in your life when the trials just pour down around you? That’s what this year has been for me, and I have felt for many months now that I’ve been walking through my own personal Gethsemane. It’s strange because even though losing her has been so so painful, somehow in those moments when I buckle under the weight of it, when I know that it’s all going to crush me, every bad or sad thing that’s happened in the last few months, I feel her close, and it’s that same little spirit I felt that night in the bathtub.
Now when the clouds hide the sun, I wait and watch and sooner or later the sun peeks through the billows and sends rays dancing down to the earth. I think that it’s my little Ruby saying hello.
Dress: Anthropologie via Ebay. Sweater: Nordstroms (old.) Clutch: Melie Bianco via DSW. Similar. Shoes: JCrew Factory. Belt: Old.
Your pictures are always so pretty! Praying for comfort and sunshine on even the cloudiest days for you sweet girl!
Thank you Tamara, I definitely feel the prayers. :)
Oh Cori, I’ve been thinking of you so much lately. Always praying for you, and for Ruby. Sending you a big hug from the east coast Xo
Jillian you are such a sweet heart. The next time I’m in NYC we need to meet up again, it’s been way too long. Thanks so much for the prayers.
gorgeous in yellow and white!
kw ladies in navy
Beautiful post Cori!!!!!! I can’t imagine losing a child but i like how you’re honest and how you choose to live your life. She would want you to be happy.
Have a great weekend.
Agi:)
vodkainfusedlemonade.com
Thank you Agi. Your comments are always so kind and they mean so much to me. I think she would want me to be happy too, and so I try to be as happy as possible every day. Thank you so much.
i know better by now than to read these posts while i’m at my desk at work. ugh.
i love this though. i’m awaiting my first little miracle right now. she should be here any day now. and i think i know a little bit about what you mean – feeling and knowing her spirit already.
thank you for sharing this.
So happy for you and your sweet little new baby Mara! Wishing you a quick labor and a healthy little one!
On the outside, everything looks so perfect. If you hadn’t shared part of what you have been going through, we would have never known. I’m sorry that you are going through all of this, but it is nice that you have shared. It is nice to know that we aren’t alone with our personal trials…Reminds us that we all have them and not to be so angry with the world. Continued prayers to you and the family…
Thank you so much Abby. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through this trial, never to judge based on appearances because we really don’t know what people are experiencing on the outside. Thank you for the prayers!
You’re kind of my favorite. Everything you write, you write perfect. I love reading your blog, it makes me happy. She is lucky she got to meet you as her mom. :) P.S. what if your lipstick? I love it.
Thank you Haley. (and my lipstick is MAC: Please me)
This post is so beautiful, Cori. I have been learning a lot lately to look for the beauty and the hope in all that is broken…I see you doing this and it’s inspiring. Blessings. –Kari Ann
Thank you Kari Ann. There really is so much beauty and hope, even in the hard things, isn’t there?
Beautiful words – she will never be forgotten. Hugs.
Megan
budgetfashion101.blogspot.ca
What a beautiful post. I can’t imagine the pain you felt to lose your sweet girl. As a mom, and as a woman, your strength is unbelievable.
Whenever I become stressed out with my children, I think of you. You’re an inspiration. God bless you and your family.
Thank you Danielle, what a compliment. I don’t often feel strong, but I’m trying hard to learn to be. I definitely look to the strong women in my life for guidance.
This is a beautiful, beautiful post that brought me to tears. You are so strong and amazing. My thoughts are with you, your family, and precious Ruby, who, I’m sure, is watching over you and so, so proud to be your daughter.
I hope she is proud to be my daughter, I love that thought. I am so proud to be her mother, and to speak for her and remember her. Thank you Paula, so much.
Cori, this post is so touching. Really moved me to tears. As a Mom, I can only imagine the torment your heart feels. These little angels tug at your hearts from the moment they begin to form inside us, but Heavenly Father only gives them to us for safekeeping, even for a moment. Though we do not always understand his purpose, we need only trust and know that there is ALWAYS “sunshine after rain” as you have so succinctly put it. You strike me as a young woman of immense strength, love and faith. Continue to lean on those, Heavenly Father will see you through.
Sincere thoughts and prayers,
Yasmin.
Thank you Yasmin, your words were so kind. I do believe that God has purpose in everything, and because I love him and know that he loves me, I trust him and that purpose and it brings me so much comfort. Thank you for the prayers. :)
Hello Cori,
I’ve been reading your blog religiously for about two years now and I never commented. I was so close to emailing you once when I was in Seattle but I didn’t. My husband wanted me to meet you since I always talk about your posts and he knows I like you so much. You are an inspiration, and your kids are beautiful. I look forward every day to reading your lovely words, and seeing your beautiful outfits. Stay strong, and may God bless your family always…
Have a great weekend,
Rand
Hi Rand! I wish you would have emailed when you were in Seattle, we could have met for lunch! Thank you so much for your message, it meant so much to me.
Maybe my very favorite posts of yours ever. So real and so beautiful, and made me all sorts of emotional. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us — I find that hard to do on my blog, so I admire those who do it so eloquently. I think it’s important for other women to see your strength and your faith through a trial that is so life altering and difficult. So thanks for that. xo
merrick
I have been praying for you, too, Cori. Our little girls are really close in age (my baby turns 1 on November 16) and I can’t imagine going through what you have this summer. I have not experienced the loss of a child, but my heart hurts for you.
2013 has been a really hard year for my family and me, too. My husband lost his job at the end of May and has been applying for thousands of jobs over the last 3 years. Still no job offer. He has his doctorate in chemistry; now, instead of working in a lab, he is a stay at home daddy to our almost one year old and almost 3 year old daughters. I work full time but the income is not enough to support our family. And his unemployment ends in 4 weeks. We feel like we’re in the desert, but we know Jesus has a bigger plan and will continue to sustain us.
All that to say, life is really tough. But God is great and bigger than this world. Loving Lamentations 3 and especially verses 21-24, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.'”
And verses 31-33: “For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love. For he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men.”
This made me cry. YOu look beautiful.
Oh Cori, sometimes those clouds feel so heavy and as though we will never see the sun again. I, too, have felt that “rainy” summer and yet, it is so important to look for the sunshine and see the blue skies that are just around the corner. We are never alone, our Saviour is always with us and I KNOW that Ruby is there, in everything that you and your sweet family do, watching and helping you along. Peeking through the clouds and touching your faces with those rays of warmth that let you know that despite everything, it is all wonderful and worth it!
I was searching for some mom-appropriate fashion blogs today, with a little fear and caution–because I am heartbroken and any pictures of pregnant bellies or little babies are crushing. I think I was meant to find your blog. Yesterday marked 6 months since our baby boy was born still at 26.5 weeks. I should be snuggling his soft cuddly self and instead I lay yellow flowers on his grave. I deeply, deeply understand what you mean about hardships just raining down. I have undergone that for two years now and there seems to be no end. I have lost three babies in a row and as much as I feel like giving up on everything, I have three living children who need me. I have to go on for them, and I have to get dressed in something every day. And wearing something a little pretty is a small thing I can do.
I also know the experience of feeling my baby move and kick inside me and knowing he would die. And the despair of finding that modern medicine, with all its miracles, could do nothing. That is such a horrible darkness for a mother to endure. And yes–when he was in my hands, I knew him at once. You put it so well.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I know it feels so long till we see our babies again. 6 months feels like forever and I can’t imagine how long a lifetime will be. Let’s wear pretty dresses while we wait.